Day 66 - I'm just getting that I'm just NOT getting it

I'm driving home tonight from work and of course my brain is on overdrive as usual.  The author of a book I read once described it as having a Monkey Mind, my brain swinging from thought to thought etc.  Eventually, the monkey mind got to my weight...it always does and reflecting on the day.  I had three different friends talk to me at work today about their eating/fitness habits and two of them actually were looking to ME for motivation and inspiration.  I told  them I wished I had brilliant words of wisdom to share but I was struggling too.  Neither knew what to say to me..I always have the answer, I'm always the cheerleader...sisk boomba...hooo raahh??  Not this time gang...sorry :(

So the monkey is swinging away and POOF!!  guess what?  I'm still not getting the point my whole blog was created about!!!  Really???  I'm 66 days in and I'm still focusing on a damn number on a scale. My blog/concept is Fitter or Fatter at 44??  It's not I Need to Lose Weight, the Pounds Countdown, 179 or bust...it's "fitter" or "fatter" at 44...ok Stacey, you know what to do....

Day 64 - A psychic for a psycho?

So I can't quite figure myself out.  I've been  running around in the same circle off and on for close to 4 years now.  I should have won this battle long ago and been living the thin life, but instead I keep replaying like a broken record.. gee I'm unhappy in the 220's and afraid for my own health and well being, I should set goals....get under 200 and then I work hard and make it and then woo hoo! Time to celebrate.  Then the next big goal, the 180's...ok got it.  Then the next goal 179, ok!  But it doesn't happen.  WHY?????  Why does 179 look to me just like this??

1 you just 7 are not gonna reach 9 this goal ever Stacey

So I get frustrated and pretty much give up and then have to start all over again.  What is the matter with me?  I've even gone to a psychic recently and asked if I have some deep-seeded emotional issues I'm not aware of that prevent me from doing this.  She matter of factly said "No, you just have an oral fixation."  Well now, thank you, that's very helpful...lovely.  Thanks.  Hmmm.....

Anyway. I'm not doing it again.  I'm up in the 190s AGAIN right now and it's not getting any higher. Maybe instead of focusing on 179 I need to shift to staying in the 180's.  180 anything is certainly better than 220 anything, or 200 anything or 190 something.  Fit in the 180's is even better.  I think that's what I need to focus on.  For some reason 179 is freaking me out so screw it!  I'll stay in the damn 180's for awhile...

Fight the good fight my friends!  :)

Day 57 - No really, today is Day 57!

I labeled yesterday as Day 57.  Hope I'm practicing better math with my calories than I am with my days..oops!

Today was Monday weigh in with the wellness coach, Wendy...as I suspected, not great.  It's ok, it's 194.  Sure doesn't take much to put on 6 lbs but damn, try to lose it and it's like pushing a rock uphill. <note to self: calculate calorie burn on pushing rocks uphill>

So today I barely made it through the day, I was so tired!  You know all the components interact with each other for and against us.  Eat poorly, don't exercise and feel "blah" so you have no energy to exercise and no motivation to do well.  Then the scale gives us our report card and that adds to the blah factor and it has to stop before it spirals right out of control!  So tonight I should have gone to the park or the gym or something but it's what, 8:30? and I'm barely awake enough to make sense.   I'm turning in early and you can't stop me.

I did well today, lots of sassy water, no soda (not even diet) and had vegetable soup and a low cal grilled cheese for dinner.  Plenty of good food to take tomorrow and with a good night's rest, maybe will have more energy tomorrow night. A few days of eating clean will get me going again.  Maybe I can get on the stepper while I'm watching Biggest Loser?  Even if just for commercials?  I love that show.

Hope you all have a great week and be good to yourselves.  Fight the good fight!

Day 57 - Ok, here we go again!

It's getting down to the wire on this project, end date (aka 44th birthday) is 4/24 so about a month left.  Pretty much lost all control this past week and tonight I am fighting back the feelings of guilt and remorse.  I'm a good cheerleader, for others as well as myself, I'll get past this.  It's only a week, not like I went haywire for weeks on end...just a few days.  It will tip the scales though.  You and I both know it..doesn't take much.

Anyway, I spent the last few hours prepping for the work week.  My house is clean, fresh flowers out, laundry done, plants watered. I baked a chicken, made a big batch of veggie soup and have steel cut oats in the crock pot for my breakfasts. Going to hop in the shower, read one of my favorite,  most inspiring books and maybe meditate a little before bed.

I know what I have to do, I know I can make it work...you guys inspire me, thank you.  Let's do it....

Day 53 - Struggling...Struggling

I think that about says it all... 

I just have to get through today and then I'm off for 3 (maybe 4 if I take Monday off) days and I need to use this time to refocus.  My goals are within my reach and I'm struggling...<sigh>

Hope you're all doing well.  Fight the good fight!

Day 49 - My "Window"

I have a tendency to nickname things..my car (Fred), my laptop (DELLbert), my friends (Jules, LBA, Chica, Principessa), my cat (Meow Bucket, Boo Boo) etc..  For quite some time now, I've had a nickname for a 6-pound weight range that I seem to get stuck in....The Window <queue woman shrieking here> dun dun DUN!!!    Until I my unfortunate 12-pound gain of Holiday Love, it would seem that if I worked really really hard, ate well, worked out etc., that I could get to 188.  If I skipped some workouts, had a couple extra snacks or went balls out one weekend, it would creep to 193 and no higher.  

So right now, I'm sitting at 188 as of last Monday's weigh in.  Although I was super happy to see any number in the 180's, now that I've had almost a week for it to sink in, I'm actually a little freaked out about tomorrow's weigh in.  Truly freaked out!  Like freaked out enough that I think I might skip the weigh in tomorrow completely.  Sounds like a chickeny thing to do but here's my rationale:  Bad numbers suck life from motivation!   One of my fellow bloggers, Shan, is experiencing this right now and I truly feel for her...I know the pain well and the mental challenges that go with it.

What if I waited another week to weigh?  Pushed super hard.  I mean working out daily for one more week, continuing to eat right, lots of water and tea etc?? Journal, journal, journal??  Focus all week on this one goal.  I would HAVE to be out of The Window by then right??

What would you do?

Day 45 - Mid-weigh through this adventure

Happy Day 45, Stacey!  You're doing great.  :)  <-----This is my "speak kindly to yourself" portion of my day...lol    I'm halfway through my 90-day fitter or fatter by 44 experiment and I would have to say that although I didn't start off with quite the bang I had in mind as far as pounds lost, my numbers are showing improvement!   I screwed up last night trying to take a Step class and showed up after it had already been going for 1/2 hour so I jumped on the treadmill and am happy to say that my endurance is improved.  When I began 45 days ago, I could run for about 2 minutes and went .15 of a mile.  Last night I did 6.5 minutes and made half a mile!   So the Couch to 5K must be working!  Woo hoo :)

I'm going to keep moving forward.  I'm hoping to hit 170 by the end of this project but my immediate goal is to get to 179.  When I lost weight before, almost 4 years ago, the lowest I got was 181 pounds and that was only for one week and then I sat at the high 180's, where I'm at now, and then got right back in the 200's pretty quick.  I'm not doing that again, I'm flirting with the 180's but the romance will be short lived.  I need to get to 179 so I know I'm done losing the same weight "again" and that I'm making improvement by continuing what I started 4 years ago.  I think the running is going to be a big help.  I am gonna do this!!!!!   

Happy Day 45 everyone :)  Fight the good fight!

Day 43 - Hello 180's!

Quick check in...I hit the 180's again. Woo hoo!!  I was stuck in the 180's the end of last year for a few months (before gaining my lovely 12 pounds of holiday love) and was miserable.  Today?  I'm loving that I'm back in them.  Will post my mid-journey info on Wednesday night.  So far, down 9 pounds and feeling great.

Fight the good fight!

Day 40 - Time flies whether you're having fun or not

Wow, what a week I had at work...long days, crazy days but I am happy to report I did very well with my food decisions and still got some exercise (aka Couch to 5K training) in as well.  Unfortunately, that didn't leave time for blogging, reading my favorite blogs or my guilty pleasure, playing facebook games.  There's just not enough hours in the day!  I have the next three days off and will get caught up AND get some good cardio in.  Tonight, I'm gonna Zumba, tomorrow is my favorite Step class and I think Sunday I'm going to find a movie to watch on cable and watch it at the gym on a treadmill!  Somewhere along the way, I need to do my Bob Harper weight work out.  I know my weigh in Monday will be a number in the 180's..it's got to be after how hard I'm working.  I will post my weight on Monday and then next Wednesday I hit day 45, the halfway point of this adventure and will take and post my measurements etc that night to compare with my starting stats.  Whatever they are, I will own them.  I've already learned so much from myself and from your blogs and your comments..Thank You :)

Happy Friday and remember to fight the good fight!