Day 90 - Happy Birthday to Me (aka the Project ends)

Good Morning and Happy Easter!

Today is the final day of the official Stacey Campbell Fitter or Fatter at 44 project.  I'm happy to report that although I'm not fitter, I'm not any fatter either (so that's something right?) but more importantly, I'm SMARTER when it comes to my battle of the bulge.

I learned so much in the last 90 days.  I've experienced emotional and now physical (I recently visited a podiatrist for Plantar Faciaitis, yeah it was fun) setbacks that weren't anticipated.  I've learned I'm an extremist when it comes to just about anything with an all or nothing, black or white mindset.  This is not a healthy way to think and makes overcoming 20+ years of being overweight like a bad science experiment.  Must have a strict plan to pursue my personal quest to pursue at all costs!  Obsessed!!  So obsessed that my goals can be unrealistic, my tactics self destructive to my emotional health.  Setting my self up for failure.

I've started therapy and am working to change my mindset and understand what some of my issues are.  Although we haven't focused specifically on weight and for that matter, never really intended to, some of the tools I'm learning can be applied in the weight loss arena as well. 

So my birthday will pass quietly today because that's how I wanted it this year.  A quiet day of reflection and to make a non-obsessive game plan for how I can make small changes in the future that will improve my health and fitness without letting it completely take over my entire life.   My goal is to be able to work on my "issues" in a more balanced and sustainable fashion.  Very small improvements over time while enjoying my life.

That sounds like a pretty good plan....

Day 76 - This doesn't "feel" healthy

It feels like another cause of stress in my life. I read once that to be thin, think/act/eat like a thin person.  Thin people don't obsess. At least the few I know don't obsess.  Even if they do, I'm sure that's not what I want.  I'm not willing to be thin at any cost.  Again, I just caught that I'm using "thin" instead of "fit", I have to stop that.

Need to think more on this...

Day 70 - Snacks

It's Sunday night, I'm trying to anticipate what will throw me over the edge this week.  We have a new fun thing at work where everyone has food all over the place all the time.  I've got some snacks prepped for my 4 day work week: almonds, yogurt, oranges and grapes.  I also usually eat a bell pepper each day. You know what they say, a bell pepper a day...what does it do again??

Anyway, that has to be it, no work snacks.  I'm absolutely positive that cheeze-its are the spawn of satan.

Fight the good fight!  :)

Day 68 - A little doggie therapy

This is not Cleopas but it's darn cute!

I recently began volunteering at our local animal shelter here in Las Vegas.  There are so many dogs and I volunteer as a dog-walker.  We socialize the dogs, get them out of the kennels and work to keep them sane until they are adopted.  I figured I would get some exercise, interact with dogs (I want one but it's not a good time to have one) and be helping a worthy cause at the same time.  Who knew that I would get so much out of it so quickly?

I was there for a couple hours this morning and the last dog I worked with, a chihuahua named Cleopas, was a little scaredy cat that I ended up carrying around the bungalows instead of walking.  I keep little doggie treats with me to help the timid ones warm up to me but she wouldn't have one, not even interested.  I told her "You must not be hungry" and then I started thinking, the other dogs who took the treats had the same food available that Cleopas had. I hadn't assumed they were hungry because they took treats. They just love those treats! Like I just love ice cream and pizza.   I've always laughed at sayings like "If you won't eat an apple, then you're not really hungry" thinking whoever came up with that must have never had an eating problem.  Well, it's not sounding so stupid to me now.  The tricky part is understanding whether you're really physically hungry or you're feeding something else besides your stomach.  Just eating cause it tastes good or makes you feel good.  Really, it's just food.  It's function is to keep us going so we can devote time to important things in our lives, important people, causes, responsibilities and the important fun stuff, exercise, laughter, adventure!  This doesn't mean it has to be bland or we have to only eat apples but it does mean we have to understand why we're reaching for cheeze-its at work when we just ate an hour prior.

When did (and why did) my expectation of what food is supposed to do for me change?  I'll be thinking about it over the next few days and when I eat, I have to be mindful of what I'm expecting the food I eat to do for me.  I need to focus on the other areas of my life, the areas that eating well allows me to participate in instead of thinking about just the "eating" part.  I'll be thanking Cleopas on Sunday :)

Fight the good fight!

Day 66 - I'm just getting that I'm just NOT getting it

I'm driving home tonight from work and of course my brain is on overdrive as usual.  The author of a book I read once described it as having a Monkey Mind, my brain swinging from thought to thought etc.  Eventually, the monkey mind got to my weight...it always does and reflecting on the day.  I had three different friends talk to me at work today about their eating/fitness habits and two of them actually were looking to ME for motivation and inspiration.  I told  them I wished I had brilliant words of wisdom to share but I was struggling too.  Neither knew what to say to me..I always have the answer, I'm always the cheerleader...sisk boomba...hooo raahh??  Not this time gang...sorry :(

So the monkey is swinging away and POOF!!  guess what?  I'm still not getting the point my whole blog was created about!!!  Really???  I'm 66 days in and I'm still focusing on a damn number on a scale. My blog/concept is Fitter or Fatter at 44??  It's not I Need to Lose Weight, the Pounds Countdown, 179 or bust...it's "fitter" or "fatter" at 44...ok Stacey, you know what to do....

Day 64 - A psychic for a psycho?

So I can't quite figure myself out.  I've been  running around in the same circle off and on for close to 4 years now.  I should have won this battle long ago and been living the thin life, but instead I keep replaying like a broken record.. gee I'm unhappy in the 220's and afraid for my own health and well being, I should set goals....get under 200 and then I work hard and make it and then woo hoo! Time to celebrate.  Then the next big goal, the 180's...ok got it.  Then the next goal 179, ok!  But it doesn't happen.  WHY?????  Why does 179 look to me just like this??

1 you just 7 are not gonna reach 9 this goal ever Stacey

So I get frustrated and pretty much give up and then have to start all over again.  What is the matter with me?  I've even gone to a psychic recently and asked if I have some deep-seeded emotional issues I'm not aware of that prevent me from doing this.  She matter of factly said "No, you just have an oral fixation."  Well now, thank you, that's very helpful...lovely.  Thanks.  Hmmm.....

Anyway. I'm not doing it again.  I'm up in the 190s AGAIN right now and it's not getting any higher. Maybe instead of focusing on 179 I need to shift to staying in the 180's.  180 anything is certainly better than 220 anything, or 200 anything or 190 something.  Fit in the 180's is even better.  I think that's what I need to focus on.  For some reason 179 is freaking me out so screw it!  I'll stay in the damn 180's for awhile...

Fight the good fight my friends!  :)

Day 57 - No really, today is Day 57!

I labeled yesterday as Day 57.  Hope I'm practicing better math with my calories than I am with my days..oops!

Today was Monday weigh in with the wellness coach, Wendy...as I suspected, not great.  It's ok, it's 194.  Sure doesn't take much to put on 6 lbs but damn, try to lose it and it's like pushing a rock uphill. <note to self: calculate calorie burn on pushing rocks uphill>

So today I barely made it through the day, I was so tired!  You know all the components interact with each other for and against us.  Eat poorly, don't exercise and feel "blah" so you have no energy to exercise and no motivation to do well.  Then the scale gives us our report card and that adds to the blah factor and it has to stop before it spirals right out of control!  So tonight I should have gone to the park or the gym or something but it's what, 8:30? and I'm barely awake enough to make sense.   I'm turning in early and you can't stop me.

I did well today, lots of sassy water, no soda (not even diet) and had vegetable soup and a low cal grilled cheese for dinner.  Plenty of good food to take tomorrow and with a good night's rest, maybe will have more energy tomorrow night. A few days of eating clean will get me going again.  Maybe I can get on the stepper while I'm watching Biggest Loser?  Even if just for commercials?  I love that show.

Hope you all have a great week and be good to yourselves.  Fight the good fight!